This week I was entrusted with two other children. For FIVE days. I took them to a day camp. For FIVE days. (Oh -- Did I say that already?) Anyhow -- at one point, thinking it would be fun, I agreed to take my son and two of his friends to camp -- for THE WEEK.
This blog post is ULTIMATELY ABOUT WHAT I LEARNED AS I PARENTED THESE TWO BOYS and about a series of MAGICAL MIRACLE moments.
(Acceptance)
My son's two friends are very different from him. One boy is quiet, reserved and has a tendency to go into a shell in new situations. He also has a lot of things he does not like, and, when presented with almost anything new, he will say he does not like it or does not want to do it. The other boy's parents are immigrants, and he is accustomed to ALWAYS being with at least one of them. Any situation without a parent leaves him feeling uncertain.
(Setting the stage) MONDAY: 100 degrees, heat index of 104.
A long, hot day with lots of walking and ALL new activites. The day did not start well. Our first activity was fishing. It only took about 5 seconds for me to learn that the first boy did not like to fish (he never had, but, he was sure he would not like it).
At a loss RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE, I let him sit while I helped my son get started. I honestly believed the boy would join us when he saw we were having fun, but, no. He sat. We fished. We fished. He sat. WHAT!?! I was at a loss.
Eventually the boy and one of the counselors joined us. I looked quizically at the counselor, who said, "I have a younger brother." OH. BEAUTIFUL and THANK YOU. But, also ultimately not very helpful for me, as I was raised with three SISTERS...no brothers (younger OR older) at all.
The day wore one. We got hotter and hotter and were presented with increasingly difficult activities -- rock wall climbing (NO WAY -- too scary). By lunch time we were all dragging and I was WAY STRESSED because this child-not-of-mine was so clearly NOT having a good time. He was "HOT, tired and bored" (his words, not mine). My son, on the other hand, was over-the-moon thrilled with his day. He had me and all sorts of VERY interesting and challenging things to do. The difference between how the boys were feeling about the day left me sad, and desperately wanting to MAKE IT BETTER.
Can I say it again? I was WAY STRESSED (oh -- and hot and tired). I am a social worker. I want to fix things -- to make them better for people...and that was SO not happening. I was grasping at straws and after lunch (during a break when most boys play tag), I put the boys in my van, blasted the AC and drove out of camp and drove the nearly 5 miles to a gas station. There I offered the marginally cooled off children the choice of a cold drink or ice cream. Options in an imperfect world.
I spent the ENTIRE DAY trying to fix things I really could not control -- the heat, how tired we all were, how overwhelming and scary the new and unfamiliar activities were. I was exhausted and, frankly, wondered how in the world I would be able to do it for another day, let alone a week.
AND, as I considered Tuesday, I wondered what I could possibly do to make it better. I cannot rationally explain why it was so important to me to make things right, good, comfortable, happy, PERFECT for these children who were not my own...except to say that it was. And, it was all that much harder for me to figure it out -- probably precisely because they were not my own children.
Tuesday was more of the same. I went home 
exhausted and WAY STRESSED. Seriously, something that was supposed to be fun (taking 3 boys who are friends to camp for a week) had become insanely stressful.
As hard as Monday and Tuesday were, Wednesday held a whole NEW set of issues. The camp was held at an an indoor water park. My son is a competent swimmer while the other two children are non-swimmers. One of the boys is uncomfortable around water and the other boy came with a variety of fears and misperceptions about water, including the belief that if he got pool water in his eyes they would fall out (SERIOUSLY!?!).
As we entered the water park, one boy declared, "I don't like water. I'm not doing this." 
(WHAT?! REALLY!? We are AT A WATER PARK! Why did you come if you do not want to do this!?!) All I could think was -- HOW AM I GOING TO MANAGE THIS? My son was literally quivering with excitement while my other two charges eyed the water with uncertainty and distrust -- at best. Standing there, I knew I had a big problem. While my son, 7, is a competent swimmer, and there were plenty of life guards, I was NOT GOING to let him run around unsupervised. For a minute, all I felt was crushing despair. This was too hard.
And then I made a decision. There are some things in life I can fix -- some things I can control, some things I can make better -- and some things in life that...just are. I know this to be true, but, sometimes I have to remind myself of this. To buy myself some time, I said we needed to go over MY rules (we'd already heard the rules of the facility). As we picked our spot, I was still scrambling for a plan. I will be really honest -- even as I was talking to the three boys about MY rules, I still did not have a plan -- more of a gut feeling -- an acknowledgement, of sorts that there was a part of our situation that I was not going to be able to change (UH -- the W-A-T-E-R), but, I also knew I was going to OFFER OPTIONS (play in the water, watch from afar, watch up close, be bored -- WHATEVER). We were at a water park, for the purpose of playing in water...but, I was NOT going to make either of the boys do anything that made either of them uncomfortable. Options. It was going to be all about choices.
AND THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENED.
After listening carefully to MY rules, the boy who was uncomfortable around water and who had declared upon entry that he would not be doing anything asked for my iPhone. Um -- NO. Sorry -- not my iPhone at the pool. He whined and complained that he would be bored, but, I stood my ground. The request did give me an idea -- I offered books, which we always have in our van. Uh -- NO. He was about as interested in books as I was in letting him play on my iPhone. OK. At least we were on equal footing. After reviewing options, we agreed that he would sit and watch.
The other boy was uncertain as well, but, cautiously expressed interest in the wave pool (which wasn't actually wavy at the time -- thankfully). It seemed like an easy way to start AND I would be able to keep an eye on the boy who WASN'T in the pool while I was with the other two boys in the pool. It was stressful -- to say the least.
When, after about 20 minutes, I checked on the boy who did not want to go in the pool, he reluctantly told me that he was ready to go into the wave pool, which had a Lazy River that ran through it. I wanted to jump up and down, but, went for a casual -- "let's get you an inner tube."
We spent quite a while in the wave pool (always moving to the Lazy River before the waves began)...which was a form of torture for my son, who DESPERATELY wanted to be doing things like the "toilet bowl" (a wild slide that whips you around and around and around a huge cylindrical "bowl" before dumping you down a chute), the inner tube slides and the body slides...OR AT THE VERY LEAST, the WAVES, please, Mom! I could tell my son was itching to be done with the Lazy River because he was doing all sorts of things the reluctant boys termed "dangerous" -- bouncing in and out of the tube in the river and towing my tube around instead of simply riding.
Eventually I told the boys that it was time to try something new. Picking what I hoped would be the least frightening thing possible, I suggested the splash area. The other boys refused to enter, so, we quickly moved on to Water Basketball. Um...? NO GO.
OK -- new plan (of sorts). Back to the Lazy River. (REALLY -- Did I call that a new plan!?!) After a while, I said we would make three trips around the Lazy River and then I would take my son to do some slides.
I also said that if either of the other boys wanted to slide, they could, too. NO -- THANK YOU. I offered to ride with them -- NO -- THANK YOU. I outlined options: 1) go to the top of the slide with us, 2) wait by the landing pool, 3) wait in our chairs. One boy went to the "launch" with us while the other opted to wait for us at the landing pool. OK. Fine. Everyone was happy. I was honestly committed to accepting the boys where they were...and to NOT pressuring them.
My son and I did the "toilet bowl" slide and a yellow inner tube slide. The "toilet bowl" slide WAS a bit fast, but, I didn't tell anyone that! The inner tube slide was NOT dark (as predicted to be by the reluctant boys), and, in fact, my son came off it strongly encouraging the boy whose favorite color is yellow, to "try it" -- because it "will be your favorite color the whole way down." Clever, my dear, kind, and compassionate son, but, NO GO.
As the day wore on, we kept taking turns -- Lazy River, slides in some form or another, back to the Lazy River. NO PRESSURE.
I want to be very clear: I DID NOT try to fix the circumstances of us being at a pool and I also DID NOT pressure either of the reluctant boys to do anything -- I accepted them where they were. I just kept offering options and pointing out to them that they could participate -- or not.
We took turns -- slides in some form and then something the reluctant boys wanted to do. We even visited the "baby slides," so dubbed by one of the reluctant boys. While my son was a bit bored, the other two boys had a great time -- until we were asked to leave. Seems the area is for children 36 inches or less and UNDER the age of 3. No wonder "my" boys were the biggest ones in there! (I honestly did NOT see a sign to that effect.) Oh well -- it was fun while it lasted.
As the day wore on, I sensed a gradually growing interest on the part of the other boys as they quizzed my son about the slides -- wanting assurance that they were "safe" (Um, yes -- OF COURSE -- but, if you don't believe the facility put in safe slides, PLEASE, ask my 7 year old for his certification of their safety!) and "NOT DARK."
I kept offering to ride with either of the reluctant boys until, amazingly, the boy whose favorite color is yellow said he would go down the yellow tube slide with me. Then, the other boy wanted to go...and then we had a new problem -- they BOTH wanted to go at the same time, AND THEY BOTH WANTED TO GO WITH ME.
I took the boy whose favorite color is yellow first. When we emerged from the yellow tube slide, he was THRILLED -- with himself, with the slide, with the water park -- with EVERYTHING. He had a HUGE grin on his face. AMAZING what a single trip down a formerly "scary" slide can do for one's self-concept and self-esteem. As I watched this happy little boy, I was fighting tears -- I was so incredibly proud of him -- and, also, of myself -- for I could see that by accepting him where he was, but offering options, I gave him the opportunity to grow and to learn some amazing things about himself.
Next, I took the other boy, who ALSO loved the slides...and then we really did have a problem -- two boys who BADLY wanted to ride with me...in a making-up-for-lost-time kind of way.
I casually suggested that the boy whose favorite color is yellow ride with my son. He was uncertain -- after all, in his opinion, my son had been risk-taking ALL DAY LONG. He did the crazy "toilet bowl" slide...and EVERYTHING ELSE. My 7-year old son, who has plenty of self-confidence, TONS of energy and more exuberance than most solemly agreed to hold the double inner tube while his friend climbed in the front and then "pilot" it to safety down the yellow tube slide. It was a beautiful moment. Amazing courage, trust, compassion and friendship. I blinked back tears AGAIN as I watched my son carry the double inner tube up the stairs for his friend all by himself. Wow. Beautiful -- for both boys.
As time wore on, both reluctant boys became increasingly confident and talk of returning to the Lazy River ceased. Bubbling over with enthusiasm, I began to hear the two reluctant boys, who had supported each other's hesitancy throughout the day, talk about riding the yellow inner tube slide together(!). And, they did!!! Wow. (And, while they did, my son and I stood at the bottom, waiting to greet them...an interesting twist!)
Acceptance. Patience. Education. Exposure. NO PRESSURE. I did not ever try to convince, beg, bribe or cajole (this is not my style, although I have seen it done). I did not criticize or make subtle remarks about how brave my son was being or how much fun he was having (although I could have).
When allowed to proceed at their own pace, these two boys -- neither of whom would likely describe himself as "brave" or "courageous" -- found strength I doubt they knew they had. And so, in accepting them as they were, I gave them an unintentional gift -- a gift of finding strength in themselves -- something I hope they will remember and build upon for years to come.
This was the MAGIC. This was the MIRACLE. Tremendous growth, insight and understanding.
One NOTE: While I based this blog on areas for growth in the two children who are not mine, I feel it is important to say that each of my three children have areas for growth as well. My husband and I both have our issues and struggles with each of them...and with each other. There are things I could (and should and do) work on...and things my husband is working on, too. We -- and our children are FAR from perfect.
we've ended up with MORE THAN ONE hugely overgrown zucchini -- our heirloom plant produces bright yellow and pale green zucchini and is especially problematic, as the pale green ones tend to stay hidden amongst the huge zucchini leaves until they are giant! That said, as we have three children who LOVE the idea of this holiday, and cover of darkness comes late in the summer, I decided some modifications were necessary. This was to be a daytime caper. Think door-bell ditching, running children, tires squealing...
Grate the zucchini. I love my Cuisinart for this purpose. Once the zucchini is grated, add the sugar, egg and oil. Mix well. Combine the wet ingredients with the dry, mixing well. Turn batter into the prepared pans.
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. I couldn't tell if they were safe for our oldest daughter, who cannot eat anything that has risk of cross-contamination with peanuts, but, we bought a bunch because I knew we could return them if need be.
